this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
soo... how was my night?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
