he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
