my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I just gargled with NyQuil
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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