He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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