after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
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it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
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