apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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