Even water is tasting like jack daniels
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
