Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
