smell my finger.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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