it wasn't lemon gatorade
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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