I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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