Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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