Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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