I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
