got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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