I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
