I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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