Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
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Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
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Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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