hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
your room smells of hookers.
And success
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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