Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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