i permit you to call me
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
