Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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