Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
