I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
