8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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