lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Lo siento on account of my penis...
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
