My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
