Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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