My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
