Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
