come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
