So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
we made out on top of his cat.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
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I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
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he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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