I think I won the penis lottery.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
