Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Randomize
