Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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