i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
The beer is more important than you right now.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
