Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
