It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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