She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
