Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
