when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
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did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
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If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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