is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
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I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
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All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
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