he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
