Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I wish you could order shots online.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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