:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
