DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
