Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?