Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
Randomize
