He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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