A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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