if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
