When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Randomize
