Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
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