Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Randomize
