Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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