Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
