ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
