The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
