So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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