I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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