between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
