I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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