Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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