i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
