i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
